The Chainsaw Vigilante
by Arcanineryu
Summary: Set in Ben Edlunds "The Tick" universe and drawing from both the comics and the cartoon, this is a story about the little known character The Chainsaw Vigilante, the chainsaw wielding anti-hero who seeks to rid the world of ineffectual superheroes who think that just by putting on a costume, they can take justice into their own hands. was gender-bent for various reasons.
1. Chapter 1

A young kid strolled along the street absentmindedly, abandoned factories and warehouses surrounding him.

Worn down and covered in graffiti, it was one of those places in every city that nobody really knew or cared about, but that just made it a great place for a bored suburban kid of about eleven years old to explore on a sunny Saturday afternoon, especially if said kid had a lax attitude towards the no trespassing signs that dotted the landscape.

The weathered old building's were often full of interesting old machines, or bits and pieces of whatever the factory or warehouse had left behind. He never knew what he might find each time he snuck into one of these dilapidated old places, and today he was farther into this urban jungle than he had ever wandered before.

He was a pretty average looking kid. Dark brown hair, t-shirt and shorts, sneakers; it seemed that the only thing he was missing was a baseball cap, otherwise he would look the very definition of generic little boy on his summer vacation.

So, with thoughts of action movies running through his head, he imagines himself as a tough, but suave secret agent, sent by the spy agency to find the evil guys secret base, his imaginary game obviously based off James Bond. He pretends to get a message from the agency on his 'wrist communicator', aka the watch he got from a cereal box, saying

"Agent double-O-eight, our sources indicate that the evil doctors base is somewhere around here, KKZZZT…" in his best imitation of a static warped voice.

"I see it home base." he responds while walking to a door leading into a large warehouse painted a dark green "I'm goin in the evil lair now."

He grabs the handle and tugs, but the door doesn't budge. He try's shaking it, then pulls again, then shoves with all his might, but the door just doesn't budge.

"Uhhhhhh, I meant this one." He says with a hint of embarrassment as he walks over to the next warehouse, 'this one' being painted a dark red that chipped and cracked with age, interspaced with the occasional work of graffiti, and grabs the handle of the big sheet metal sliding door that was used for loading and unloading cargo, pulling with all his might.

With a rusty, metallic screech, it gives way, and he pulls the big door open just enough for him to squeeze into the warehouse. But before he enters, he leans against the outside of the door and peeks around the corner to check and see if anyone's in there, an action that seemed pretty futile when it came to preserving his stealth considering the amount of noise he made opening the door.

Never the less as he looks around the corner, he sees a bunch of weird shapes in the darkness, but no movement, so with a whisper into his watch he proclaims

"I'm goin in."

and tiptoes into the warehouse. Slowly his eyes begin to adjust to the dim light, and when they finally do, he is astounded by what he finds.

All around him, there are wooden sculptures, both large and small, most of them depicting some large intimidating animal. He lets out a hushed "wow" as he walks up to the nearest sculpture, forgetting his imaginary game as he inspects the incredible sculpture of an owl resting on a stump. The detail is amazing, like something that belonged in a museum, from the talons gripping the wood, to the detail of the feathers.

He reaches out to stroke the wing of the owl, surprised to find the wood rather rough and prickly, not like the smooth, treated wood he was used to.

Turning away from the owl, he looked around and was awestruck by the number of sculptures, almost all of which showed great skill in their design, so he walked through the warehouse, trying to get a good look at every last one, his shoes kicking up small clouds of the sawdust that lay in a thin blanket across the warehouse floor as he walked.

He felt more and more like he was in some sort of museum at night, the filthy skylights letting in just enough light to see by, and all these thoughts added to his sense of adventure; he just couldn't wait to show his friends what he had found.

"They're gonna be so jealous when they see this!" He says in hushed tones while positively beaming with delight.

As he inspected, he found that there were all sorts of wooden sculptures in the warehouse, no two being quite the same. There were bears, bats, horses, fish, lizards, along with animals he never would have imagined as a wooden sculpture, like jellyfish, dinosaurs, or giant beetles, even mythical animals like dragons, and creatures that seemed to defy description could be seen among the sculptures, although not all the sculptures were animals. Some were just abstract swirls, or plants, or people, like one of a medieval knight. But his favorite one had to be the giant cobra, rearing up to strike from its coils, with a tail like some sort of hooked spear, held almost like a rattlesnake would hold its rattle.

What he would give to have that in his bedroom. Every kid in school would want to come to his house to see his snake!

But what was he thinking? It's not his snake, it probably belonged to someone, they all did, he couldn't take any of these (and more importantly, most of them were too big to be carried home anyway) but as he neared the back of the warehouse, where the sawdust was most plentiful, he saw the space where the sculptures were made.

A large, empty area, with uncut chunks of wood on one side, and a large pile of scrap pieces of wood that had been sawed off from the sculptures on the other side. And much to his delight, in this pile were bits and pieces of broken or failed sculptures.

He might not be able to take any of the sculptures, but nobody would mind if he took some of their scrap.

He sifts through the pile, picking out any interesting bits and pieces he could find, and getting covered in splinters in the process, although he was too engrossed to care at the moment.

His search reveals plenty of awesome peices, including a bears paw, a half-finished dogs head, some sort of bowl, and the pièce de résistance. A shark, completely finished carving, but split in half down the middle due to a natural weakness in the wood, making it easily glued back together back at his house.

But still, it was too large for him to try and carry back with him, so taking a few of the smaller fragments, he leaves the warehouse for home, with the plan to come back late that night for the rest.

After nightfall he makes his way back to the warehouse, the moon shining brightly in the sky to light his way (albeit a bizarre looking moon, with a bite mark on one side, and the letters HA carved into its face…. but that's an entirely different story).

He frantically pedals his bike down the sidewalks and alleyways, a wide smile forming on his face as he grows closer and closer to his goal, but as he turns the final corner and the warehouse comes into view, he slows to a halt, and his face falls into an expression of confusion.

There are lights on in the warehouse, and a slight buzzing sound coming from within it.

Cautiously, he dismounts his bike and walks it the rest of the way to the entrance.

Leaning the bike against the wall beside the door, he reaches for the door handle while thinking to himself aloud

"I bet it's the guy who made the sculptures, maybe now I can ask permission if I can have that cobra!"

He grabs the handle and tugs, the door sliding open a few feet with a screech, and the slight buzzing sound turns into a dull roar of machinery as he glances through the door.

He could tell that the noise and lights were coming from that work area, but his view was too blocked by all the sculptures too tell anything else, so cautiously, he makes his way through the maze of sculptures, following the light and sound, until he comes to a halt at the edge of the work area, stunned by his discovery.

In the circle, surrounded by the bright work lights, was someone he knew only from hushed rumors, and parental warnings. Spoken of among many like they spoke of the infamous boogie man, but unlike ihis/i debatable existence, was without a doubt a painful reality to anyone brave enough to call themselves a super hero in these twin cities.

Deertown-hobblevilles own mysterious chainsaw wielding maniac, the Chainsaw Vigilante.

Though he had never seen this masked villain in person before, there was no mistaking… her? He had heard that the Chainsaw Vigilante was a girl, but nobody had ever seemed quite sure.

But there was no question, before him stood one of the most infamous people he knew, carving a sea horse out of a large block of wood with a bright yellow chainsaw.

Her black leather jacket, one sleeve of which was ordained with silver spikes which ran up and down her forearm, was covered in a fine mist of sawdust, and the bright yellow mask she wore, with its disturbing smiley face motif, was screwed in a determined expression as the sea horse was hewn from the wood with expert precision and skill; the upside-down smiley face button on her lapel catching the light as she moved, along with her long, light brown hair, with its one long, slightly curled piece of hair that reached out over her mask and down her face.

Suddenly, she stops her work, and looks around quizzically, as if sensing a presence, and he quickly hides behind one of the statues to avoid her line of sight.

The roar of the chainsaw ceases, and there's a soft clunk as it's put down. His heart rate increasing, he turns to look around the side of the sculpture, only to see the Chainsaw Vigilante standing right there in front of him, making him jump back in surprise.

"So you're the kid who broke into my warehouse yesterday." Her tone stern and accusatory.

"How did you…"

"You really think I can't tell when people come and mess with my things?" She responds to the boy angrily, before saying more to herself than anyone as she rubbed her eyes with one hand stressfully.

"A kid, it had to be a snot nosed kid to who figured out what I did in my spare time. Of all the rotten luck."

"You're the Chainsaw vigilante!" the kid suddenly shouts in an excited, matter of fact tone, like he was meeting a celebrity, which he kinda was.

"Way to go kid, sounds like you've got pointing out the obvious down pat." Her voice dripping in sarcasm as she brushed off some of the sawdust that covered her outfit, before she leaned down to his level, her mask taking on a more intimidating expression.

" Now, why don't you humor me for a moment you little twerp. You obviously know who I am…"

she leaned in a bit closer, so close that his nose could almost touch her mask.

b"So why aren't you running?"/b

But instead of fear, a smug look comes over his face as he crosses his arms over his chest, looking her dead in the eye as he replies

"You don't scare me, you only go after people in costume, and I'm in normal clothes, see?"

He says motioning to his generic little boy outfit of a t-shirt, shorts, and sneakers.

Throwing her hands up in the air in a mixture of sarcasm and frustration she shouted

"Greeeeat, so now he's got an attitude on top of everything!"

Before turning back on him and pointing her finger accusingly

"Look you little brat. You're best off forgetting you were ever here. Go and run back home to mommy and daddy like a good little pest, before I start considering more painful consequences for your trespassing."

"But I just… "but she interjects with

"Stuff it kid. Now pipe down. I need a minute to figure out what I'm going to do with you."

She starts pacing back and forth as she thinks, but before long he falls in step beside her, and starts off rattling question after question too her.

"Could I have one of your wood animals?"

"Why do you slice up superheroes with a chainsaw?"

"Is Chainsaw Vigilante your real name?"

"Have you always been a girl?"

"How do you even see anything with that mask on?"

At first she's curious as to why the kid was following her in her pacing, but it quickly turns to annoyance as she pauses for a second or two looking thoroughly peeved about the still talking kid that stood directly behind her, until finally, she snaps.

With a furious roar, and a terrifying expression on her mask, she spins around in the blink of an eye; a large knife which had appeared in her hand seemingly out of no-where gets imbedded in the head of a rather innocent looking wooden rabbit that rested not two feet from where the boy stood with a dull "Thunk", the knife sinking about halfway up the blade into the wood, causing the boy to jump in surprise, and then cower in fear as she yelled.

"You stupid little brat! I am not someone you can just endlessly pester and get away with it! I have that reputation for a reason! Now I was trying to cut you a little slack since you obviously have some issues with the whole concept of self-preservation, but since you can't seem to take a hint I'm gonna make it perfectly clear to you.

I am the God-Damn Chainsaw Vigilante! I've got almost every superhero in the country city running in Fear of ME! And unless you want me to add trespassing little morons to my list you had better shut your trap for two minutes while I figure out what to do with you!"

She wrenches the knife from the wooden rabbits head as she turns away from the shocked kid, who was now on the verge of crying. Her shoulders rising and falling with each deep, angry breath as she tries to calm down.

Her breathing evening out, she quickly checks her watch, the hand holding the knife pulling up her leather sleeve for a quick glance.

"It's past midnight."

She mutters to no one in particular, her knife hand lowering to rest on her hip as she considers things for a moment.

Suddenly she glances over her shoulder and meets the little boy with an intense stare. He found himself wishing to turn away, but unable to, instead standing stock still, mesmerized by the fierce gaze of her bright yellow mask.

She eventually turns her gaze away from him, and he lets out a breath he hadn't known that he was even holding until now.

Calmly and with a well-practiced movement, she puts the knife back into one of the tall boots she wore, then set off to the unfinished sculpture of a seahorse she had been working on; the click click click of her boot heels echoing around the abandoned warehouse as she walked.

Her long, smooth gait seemed to betray some sort of barely concealed fury, reminding the boy of his father the time he had accidentally broken a headlight of the family car with a baseball.

He almost whimpered as he stood glued to the spot in fear. Now he understood why the superheroes thought she was so terrifying, it seemed like everything she did was somehow intimidating, he wondered why he didn't see it before. His eyes widen further as she picks up her chainsaw, the bright lamps glinting off the small, razor sharp blades that lined its edge with gleaming silver. She smacks the flat side of the chainsaw with one hand to dislodge the remaining sawdust, then grabbed her long hair and moved it out of the way as she holstered the chainsaw across her back, before starting to walk back towards him.

He cringes in fear as she gets close, but she walks right past him without so much as a glance, instead going straight to the large, sliding metal door, still slightly opened from when he had entered, and wrenches it open further. The cool night breeze blows through the opening, making her long hair flutter in the breeze slightly.

Noticing his bike right outside the door she grabs it and places it down inside the warehouse, finally turning to look at him.

"Come on kid, I'm walking you home."

This confuses him. Not a moment ago he had been expecting to be torn to shreds, but now she sounded almost friendly.

"Come on shrimp, I don't have all night."

He takes a step back and shakes his head no, not taking his eyes off her. She sighs and rolls her eyes, then grabs the bikes handles and walks it over to him.

"I wasn't asking, now let's go."

She says while fixing him with a stern, but not angry gaze.

Tenitivelly he grabs the bike, and slowly walks it out of the warehouse, Chainsaw Vigilante following close behind. As they leave she pulls a big switch on the wall, shutting down the bright lights in the warehouse before walking out and wrenching the door shut behind them. He chances a look up at her mask.

Though its expression was now more calm and neutral, it still unnerved him to look at it, especially in the moonlight.

"Now, I don't have to tell you to never come here again, or mention this to anyone, do I?"

He shakes his head no.

"Good, now lead the way kid."

Cautiously, not quite wanting to turn his back to her, he turns and starts to walk towards home, chainsaw vigilante following his lead.

Trying to muster his confidence, he asks "Why are you walking me home?"

"Well" she replied "you've already stumbled into me tonight, so with the way your luck is going so far tonight, I can't afford to take any chances. Plus it's one of those responsibility things, you probably wouldn't understand."

"But with all the superheroes always patrolling the street every night, I should be fine walking home by myself."

She shoots a venomous glare at him, obvious that he struck a nerve, so he shuts his trap. But she answers his question regardless.

"You can't trust all the superheroes kid." She says as she turns away from him and looks back at the road for a moment before continuing.

"Why don't you think about it this way, would a superhero NOT tell your parents you've been wandering around this late? Or what if you mentioned that you had met me, you think they wouldn't make a big deal of that? Do you want all that trouble?"

He thinks for a moment before responding timidly "No mam".

She smirks at that. Before carrying on in a more sarcastic tone "Of course you could be one of those kids who actually likes all the attention, you could probably even get in the papers." She motions out a headline with her hands "Random superhero saves kid who wasn't in danger from Chainsaw Vigilante, or how about, Local super villain is artistically inclined, boy finds warehouse full of sculptures made by Chainsaw Vigilante. Or even local boy severely beaten after squealing on Chainsaw Vigilante. But we don't have to worry about that one right?"

He mumbles back "My parents would still kill me for being out so late."

"Good, because as far as I'm concerned, once you're home, then it's like this never happened, and as long as you don't do anything stupid, then it will stay that way."

They walk in silence down the dark unlit streets between the warehouses, the moon casting just enough light to see by. Cautiously, he asks "Why do you hate superheroes so much?"

"Why do you love them so much?" she immediately snaps back.

"I don't love superheroes!"

"I bet you do, I bet you want to marry one and then have little superhero babies and live together as a big happy superhero family."

He looks away uncomfortably, biting his lower lip slightly, and her eyes widen slightly in surprise "You've got to be kidding me. Your parents are superheroes aren't they?"

"Umm no, they aren't" he replies really unconvincingly.

She sighs and rubs her eyes with one hand again in frustration "I thought I smelled hero on you, but I didn't want to jump to conclusions, so which ones are they?" he opens his mouth to speak but she interrupts him

"On second thought don't answer that, I don't want to know. I can't blame you for your parents, so it doesn't matter anyway." She pauses and looks up at her surroundings. "This way has too many people this time of night. We're taking a detour."

He gives a timid "Alright" in return.

"Good, follow me." Her footsteps suddenly seem much quieter as she lengthens her strides and takes the lead down an alley, making him almost have to jog to keep up. With the alleyways being so dark, he would often lose sight of her, but he never got lost as she would always wait for him whenever they had to make a turn, with at one point the two of them even having to hop a chain link fence, with her giving him a boost over it, then following him while carrying the bike.

Soon they make it to the beginning of a suburban neighborhood that seemed bizarrely close to the big city skyscrapers compared to most quaint little neighborhoods. If they were any closer the skyscrapers would probably cast a shadow over them at the right time of day.

He takes the lead again as the two of them walk down the streets and before long he comes to a halt in front of a certain house and looks up at Chainsaw Vigilante expectantly

"Is this it?" she asks.

"Yep, this is my house."

She gives a quick once over of the place, spotting an open window on the second floor. "Did you climb out the window?"

He gives a quick nod, so she walks over to the porch overhang below it, and kneels, cupping her hands in preparation to give him a boost back up to the window like they had done with the fence. Leaning his bike against the side of the house he walks over to her and she hoists him up to the porch roof, where he looks back down at her, overall looking pretty happy with how his night had went.

"Oh, and kid? One last thing." she say's, looking back up at him with a smirk before saying a little creepily.

"bI know where you live/b".

His face falls and his blood goes cold as she turns around and starts walking away, with one last casual wave over her shoulder at him she shouts "Good bye forever kid, have a nice life." And soon she disappears into the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

It was four in the morning by the time she made it back to her apartment and changed out of her outfit and into her pajamas. That detour with the kid had made the trip home about three times as long, and she was eager to get some shut eye. Tomorrow, or rather, later today, she had to go get job searching, having recently been let go from her previous job due to budget cuts.  
She falls asleep the moment her head hits the mattress.

The grating electric buzz of her electric bedside clock goes off the moment it reaches nine o' clock and she begins her morning routine of a shower and a cup of coffee, before heading out to start the day, making a mental note to make sure too take a nap in the evening to make up for the previous all nighter.

Walking through her front door into a hallway, she locks the door behind her and looks up to see a little old woman with a kindly face and a little black Pekinese in her arms. The landlady of this small apartment block, she was starting to get a little senile, but not enough to let you get away with not paying your rent.  
"Haley dear, would you mind walking Mr. Snuffles for me?"

"Mrs. Lavern" she says as the old woman hands her the dog "It's been, what, three weeks now that I've walked your dog, rain or shine, every morning? Honestly, if this keeps up, I might just have to start charging you as your own personal dog walker."

"Oh of course dear. I know you're still out of a job, so here's something for you trouble."

With a wrinkled old hand, she hands Hayley about three dollars

"Gee, thanks Mrs. Lavern" she says rather confounded and a little bit off put by this, as she had really only been kidding about it. Still, now she wouldn't have to pay for her own newspaper, and maybe get a bagel or something as well, so she's not complaining. At least the woman hadn't given her a measly little quarter or something. She pockets the money as accepts the little black dog in her arms.  
"Well, see ya soon Mrs. Lavern" before turning to leave.

"Oh, and make sure to take him…"

"Past the meat market, through the dog park on Wednesdays, the regular park every other day of the week and through the Marsons neighborhood because he's got dog friends there. I've got it Mrs. Lavern." 

Walking out the front door and onto the street, she puts the little dog down and starts strolling along down the sidewalk, one hand in her pocket and the other holding onto the leash. After a while they come to a stop at a small grocery store, where she buys a newspaper and a bagel and sits down on the bench outside.  
Mr. Snuffles leaping onto the bench to sit down beside her, Panting lightly and watching the people go by as Haley opens the newspaper to the want ads and scans the page to check who's hiring before a voice interrupts her reading with a…

"Oh I just love what you've done with your hair!"

Raising one eyebrow, she looks up from her newspaper and turns her head in unison with Mr. Snuffles to see a thin, busty woman, with long black hair and dressed up in the latest fashion and a TON of makeup. Her smile looking almost inhumanly large and showing off a set of perfect white teeth. Haley's eyes quickly scan up and down this woman, before turning back to her newspaper. "Uhhh, thanks. I washed it yesterday."

"Wow really? Is that all? I wish my hair could look that good without any effort, but I have to say the ou natural look really works for you!"

"Gee, thanks." She says sarcastically, though the woman doesn't pick up on it, continuing to speak as Hayley turned her attention back to her newspaper.

"Now personally I start the day with…" and then she continues on with exactly what she does with her hair, and what brands she uses, and where she went shopping, and what kind of clothes she's wearing currently, while Haley sits there, stone faced, trying to read her newspaper. "Oh, and by the way, you planning on going to the big event today?"

Raising an eyebrow at that, she turns her attention back to the woman to ask  
"What big event?"

"Oh you don't know? Well I saw you reading the paper so I figured you knew about it. It's on the front page. And… oh my, would you just look at the time! I gotta get going! It was nice meeting you!" She says while flashing Hayley her biggest smile before quickly trotting off in her high heel shoes, which clicked on the sidewalk loudly as she left.

Looking a little intrigued, she turns the paper over to finally get a look at the front page, which read in big bold letters,

"BOLD NEW SUPERHERO TEAM ASSEMBLED!" next to a picture of five heroes posed dramatically as a team, and continuing with  
"Great things are expected of these new rising stars, who've already saved… yadda yadda yadda.."  
she says skipping down the page until  
"will be signing autographs this afternoon at the grand opening of Edlands discount mattress emporium and steakhouse".

A slight smirk curls on her face as her eyes narrow menacingly, reminiscent of the evil grins she wears on her mask. "Well whado you know… and it looks like it's not too far from here either….  
Well what do you say Mr. Snuffles? You wanna go…. check it out?"

Mr. Snuffles stops his panting and turns his head to one side in confusion, which Hayley chuckles at before picking up the little dog and placing him on the ground beside the bench, taking hold of his leash and wandering off towards the mattress emporium/steakhouse. 

"Not a bad turnout."  
She comments as she scans the crowd that was congregating in front of the building for the opening ceremony. As she got closer however, her nose wrinkled in disgust at the faint smell of latex, the chemical stink or superhero gadgets like smoke bombs, and of course sweaty spandex that hung over the crowd.  
Of course this thing would be lousy with superheros, they're probably showing up to show their support, she thought quietly to herself as she inspected the crowd, and sure enough, a closer look revealed a few of the "secret identities" of superheroes she was already familiar with.  
Still, they were in their regular street clothes, no use hassling them when they're out acting like perfectly reasonable citizens, even if they were actively encouraging the nightly pajama parade that plagued these twin cities with their ineffectual and ridiculous perversions of justice.

Moving around the edge of the crowd and towards the stage, with Mr. Snuffles occasionally pausing to sniff the pant leg of the occasional bystander, before skittering forward to keep up with Hayley, she soon comes within a good view of the restaurant/mattress store, where she sees what looks like the building's owner speaking to the group of costumed heroes from the newspaper photo, all of them looking very excited, and absolutely full of themselves to have the honor of cutting a ribbon at the opening of another one of these inexplicable combination superstores/restaurants you'd find on every streetcorner.  
But hang on, whats this?

She thinks as she inspects the team of superheroes, or rather one hero in particular. A tall, thin, busty woman with long black hair dressed in a purple skin tight costume emblazoned with a large pair of open scissors, with each blade reaching down her leg to just above her knee.

While others might have been fooled by her supposedly seductive and confident expression she now wore rather than her over the top grin, or how her hair was now parted differently now (seriously, how do people get fooled by that?), but what really made her look different was the lack of the metric ton of makeup she had been wearing earlier. Why without it, she almost looked like an entirely different person!  
But to a trained eye like Chainsaw Vigilantes, she could easily see through the disguise, and recognize her as the woman she had met not moments ago!

She stifles a chuckle into her fist at the thought, before turning around and calmly walking away from the crowd, and once far enough away that she wouldn't be heard, she burst out laughing  
"Criminy! This lady must have been out all morning trying to get every smuck on the street to come to that stupid ceremony! What a poser!" she says through her laughing fit as Mr. Snuffles bounces around at her feet while barking happily.

She quickly composes herself, and unrolled the newspaper she had been carrying to get another look at the front page, a slight grin on her face as she inspected it once more.  
"Shame I never got her name though. Probably woulda helped save me some trouble later."

She tosses the newspaper in the trash as she walks away, the headline still clearly visible as it rested on top of the pile.  
"Aww well, come on Mr. Snuffles, time to take you home…b I got work to do /b "

The next day's newspaper is roughly tossed onto an armchair, it's headline reading "NEVERMIND" with the photo showing five beat up and bandaged heroes, with the description reading  
"Bold New Superhero Team disbands after a terrifying run in with the Chainsaw Vigilante, the mysterious figure that has plagued the twin city's superhero population for years…."  
Though you can't read much more of the paragraph than that, as the scene focuses on Chainsaw vigilante standing in the background, her back to the newspaper as she puts on her brown leather gloves and talks to herself.  
"I just love getting in the papers. Honestly, chainsaw wielding hell beast? What will they come up with next?"  
With a final touch she puts on her mask and opens her window into the fire escape  
"Aww well. Another night, another team of super heroes to traumatize. Let's see how the civic minded five and company are doing."


	3. Chapter 3

Climbing up the fire escape behind her apartment block later that night, or rather morning, she enters through her apartment window, locking it behind her and putting down the blinds before tossing her chainsaw on the arm chair with a yawn and a stretch.

She shrugs off her leather jacket as she walks by her clock, hitting the button just as the alarm goes off for nine o' clock before popping her spine with another stretch.

"Man, I really gotta stop pulling these all-nighters." She says as she takes off her mask and rubs her tired eyes "A robbery, a super hero barbeque, and a super villain scheme, all in one night! What a workout."

She finishes changing out of her costume, stowing it in a box beneath her bed, and makes herself a cup of coffee, before exiting through her front door to see, as usual, Mrs. Lavern standing there with her black Pekinese, Mr. Snuffles.

"Hayley could you…"

"Sure thing Mrs. Lavern." She says sleepily, rubbing one eye with a knuckle as she takes the dog from the woman's hands

"Just remember that all the time I spend walking Mr. Snuffles is time spent not trying to find a way to pay the rent."

"Oh pish tosh, you're a talented girl, you'll find a job soon. You just have to not be so picky about it. Speaking of which, my sinks clogged again, could you take a look at it?"

"Mrs. Lavern, I told you that your garbage disposal is broken, you have to go buy a new one."

"But couldn't you just fix the one I have?"

"You're lucky I've been able to fix your sink up until now to begin with. And besides, you're the landlady, you should be the one getting things fixed around here." The old woman shrugs and Hayley rolls her eyes with a slight smirk.

"Well, I'll see you later Mrs. Lavern." She says as she starts off down the hallway, past the elevator and to the stairs with Mr. Snuffles in one arm. As she's about halfway down the stairs, the foyer comes into view…. and she sees a superhero entering through the front door.

Immediately backpedaling out of sight of the hero, she quietly makes her way back up the stairs before tearing down the hallway at top speed, thinking, "Oh, no! He must have followed me home from when I saved those robbers from compound fractures, or when I crashed that barbecue and beat up a blindfolded superhero with the piñata bat and kicked the barbeque into the pool! Or when I forced that supervillain and all the heroes he was fighting to take a bus to the outskirts of the city where there would be less collateral damage, and then beat up every superhero left standing!"

Skidding to a halt in front of Mrs. Lavern, who was still standing in the hallway, she shoves the little dog into the woman's arms and says a quick

"Hi–Mrs. -back!" In a panicked voice, Spinning the baffled old woman around, kicking open her apartment door, and shoving the woman into her house.

"Hayley? What's going?..."

"No time to explain!" she responds with a false smile plastered on her face and a mock cheerful tone "So why don't you just stay right there, and uhhh, watch TV or something?

Really loud….

with the radio on too."

She tries to close the door but the old woman blocks it with her body.

"You aren't in trouble with the man or anything are you sweetie? Cause you know, back during prohibition I…"

"No Mrs. Lavern! Its nothing like that, its just an, uhh…" she thinks to herself, 'Come on, think up a good lie!'

"Insurance salesman."

"Ooooo, I hate those door to door insurance salesmen." Thankfully seeming to buy her fib.

"EXACTLY! So you just stay put…. and I'll go take care of it." She finally shoves Mrs. Lavern out of the way gently as she can and closes the door fully before muttering under her breath

"It could get messy."

She sprints over to her own apartment, unlocks the door, and rushes in, before moments later coming out half dressed in her Chainsaw Vigilante costume, her belt undone, her gloves in her pocket, her jacket not zipped up and her mask held between her teeth as she hopped on one foot trying to get her other boot on.

But Laverns door starts to open a crack and her voice leaks out

"Are you sure you don't want any help dear?"

And Chainsaw Vigilante immediately and slams it shut, yelling "That won't be necessary Mrs. Lavern!" through the grit teeth holding her mask.

"Well alright dear." She responds in her kindly grandma sort of voice, finally giving in to Hayley's demands.

Her boots on, she puts on her mask, grabs her chainsaw, and quickly makes the short distance to the elevator, with Mrs. Lavern's apartment being the closest to it, and thinking aloud as she pushes the button "I'll just send the elevator to the lobby, and when he goes to investigate it, I'll have taken the stairs and get him from behind!"

But once again the door to Mrs. Laverns room opens up a crack, with Mrs. Lavern saying, "Well at least let Mr. Snuffles go too, you know how much he loves company."

And the little black dog slipped through the door and tore off down the hallway happily towards the stairs.

"Mr. snuffles no!" She shouts after the dog, but just then the elevator arrives, so after a moment's indecision, she takes it instead.

Mr. Snuffles rockets down the stairs on his tiny legs, barking and wagging his tail frantically, and quickly makes a beeline towards the superhero the moment he spots the oddly dressed man, who was decked out in a stapler themed costume, who happily kneels down to greet the little dog in turn.

"Well aren't you a cutie! Are you a good doggie?" he says in a baby talk voice as he reaches out with the back of his hand for Mr. Snuffles to sniff.

"I bet you probably smell my dogs huh?" he continues as Mr. Snuffles barks and wags his furry little tail happily,

when a slight "Ding" comes from the elevator.

He slowly turns his head to inspect the source of the sound…. and his face immediately meets the fist of a maniacally laughing Chainsaw Vigilante, his body twisting comically from the impact and leaving him dazed, but still able to stand, before Chainsaw Vigilante grabs him by the collar of his absurd cape, roughly yanking him closer so they're face to face, all the while praying that her bluff will work.

"You think I didn't know I was being followed? Hero?" an evil smile playing across her mask "I just wanted to get you brain-dead heroes to show yourself, and what better way than to make you think you're about to discover my secret identity? You useless excuses for heroes are so predictable."

He shields his face with his hands while saying, "Not in the face! Not in the face!"

She gives him a slight shake to shut him up before threatening,"I know you heroes never try to take me on solo, so tell me where your friends are, and maybe I'll go easy on you."

"The-they're right outside…. on the rooftops!" he stutters.

And with a broad cheerful grin splitting across her face as she responds "Thanks!"

Outside the apartment you hear the "Whiffs" and "Pows" of someone getting the snot beat out of them, before with a loud "BANG!" she kicks open the door, and tosses the bruised and battered hero onto the sidewalk in front of her apartment, a burst of staples and staplers flying out of his various gadget pouches from the impact, startling many passers-by, before she dramatically steps out the door and onto the sunlit patio of the apartment.

It's not often she's out in broad daylight, so the pedestrians on the street have mixed reactions, some trying to flee immediately, some staring awestruck, and with a select few being less than impressed, but they were all ignored.

No, she only had eyes for the terrified group of superheroes that stood huddled up in fear on the opposite rooftop, some of which already sported battle damaged costumes and bruised bodies from last night's escapades.

Her smile widens as she slowly takes the chainsaw off her back, letting the light catch the shiny blades of it's edge.

Dramatically, she pulls the rip-chord, the machine roaring to life like some furious beast, before quick as a flash, she leaps down the steps, sailing over the beaten stapler-themed hero and races across the street towards the terrified huddle of superheroes, who panic and start to flee.

She runs into an alleyway beside them, and leaping onto a closed dumpster, she's able to reach the fire escape and expertly climb her way onto the rooftops, but even then this still takes some time, and by the time she reaches the roof, the heroes were already fading off into the distance as they made a beeline away from her across the rooftops.

But not being discouraged by this, she instead ops to take a different route.

Ahead of her, the heroes are starting to slow, and before long, one of them (who was dressed like a weasel) chances a look behind him.

"Hey! Guys! I think we lost her!" he shouts as he slows to a light jog, then a stop as he looks behind him for any trace of the terrifying chainsaw wielding menace.

The other heroes slow down as well, congregating beside a taller brick building that reached about a story taller than the roof they were on now. Some stopping more gratefully than others, as a man in a thick pink costume with two giant ears sticking out like a pair of sails from his back and the word 'Earman' written across his chest, pants heavily as he stands hunched over, bracing himself against his knees,

Earman: "Oh thank god. I was getting real sweaty in this thing."

But another guy dressed in a white rabbit suit with a look of panic still etched on his face shouts out

Bunnyman: "That's just what she wants you to think Weasel! Just when you think you've lost her BOOM there she is! Right behind you!"

"But then how would we know when we've lost her!" Says a somewhat timid looking guy dressed in skintight spandex emblazoned with multiple images of letters all over his body.

"You don't Letterguy, You just don't know. But I say we stop running and do what we came here to do! Take a stand and FIGHT BACK!"

Earman: "A stand? *wheeze* I thought we were just gonna follow her and *pant* try to find out her secret identity?"

Bunnyman: "If she even has one." He mutters, folding his arms across his chest and looking away with a frown, but he's disregarded as The Weasel angrily snaps back.

The Weasel: "Well if you wanted to 'Take a stand' so bad, then why did you run away with the rest of us?! Huh, Ultra Violence Man?"

UVM: "Well I wasn't going to try and take her on without BACKUP!... Side's, she startled me." The highly muscular masked man replied angrily, though he fidgeted with the hem of his costume and looked down at his feet as he spoke the last part.

Letterguy: "But, what about The Stapling Avenger? We still have to go back for him."

Bunnyman: "The Stapling Avenger already done for, we got ourselves to think about! And she could show up at any minute!"

The Weasel: "…. I say we split up."

UVM: "WHAT!"

Earman: "Yeah! Haven't you ever seen a horror movie? They always split up, and it never EVER turns out well for them."

"~Awwww, why should you let that stop you? I say we hear the bozo out, I think his plan might have some merit~"

The Weasel: "Thank you, now as I was say….."

The realization sinks in, and they all look to the landing above them, where they see The Chainsaw Vigilante laying casually alongside the edge of the roof, looking very smug, before making a lazy motion with one hand and saying,

"Now how about we put the crybaby's on the left, and the heavy bleeders can go on the right. And if you happen to fit into both category's, don't worry, I'm sure we can all figure this thing out."

With a tremendous simultaneous scream, the self-proclaimed superheroes scatter in opposite directions, with Letterguy and The Weasel heading in one direction, and Earman, Bunnyman, and Ultra Violence Man heading the other way.

"Well whado you know? Looks like that worked out perfectly!" She says with a smile as she gets to her feet.

"Now lets see here. Ennie, meannie, miney,…..….Moe. "

Picking up her chainsaw and pulling the rip-cord, she leaps off the roof and sprints after The Weasel and Letterguy.

An intense chase begins, the two heroes beating feet in a flat out terror sprint as they hear the rumbling of her chainsaw steadily growing nearer.

the two of the race down a nearby fire escape and onto the alleyways below, and sprinting through the maze of back alleys left and right in an attempt to lose her. But as they sprint around their final turn, to their horror they find it to be a dead end, while behind them, The Chainsaw Vigilante comes into view, skidding slightly to make the sharp turn, before stopping at the entrance to the alley, an evil smile playing across her mask as she raises her weapon slightly and slowly advances on the cowering superheros, who slowly back up closer and closer to the brick wall behind them, until they can go no further.

Tears start to run down the face of Letterguy as he grips The Weasel in a tight hug.

Letterguy: "You know I thought she wouldn't be so scary in the daytime, but I was wrong!" he shouts in terror as she slowly approaches, casting a menacing shadow as she stood silhouetted at the entrance to the ally.

She gives the heroes one last chance to give up.

"Renounce your asinine quests to uphold your own flawed brand of justice at the expense of the innocent people around you, or suffer the agony of a thousand painful cuts!"

The two men exchange a glance with one another, each of them steeling their resolve, with Letterguy letting go of his tight grip on The Weasel, before they both turned to face her and took up a fighting stance, The Weasel mumbling under his breath,

"Aww man, this is gonna hurt… Why didn't I just stay in The City and fight apocalypse cow with the rest of them?"

"…No takers? Well then, let's just see how brave you are when your costumes are nothing but a pile of gaudy ribbons soaked in your own blood.. "

But then suddenly, a commanding voice echoes from the sky with a shout of

"HALT!"

Looking up at the source of the shout, the three of them see the silhouette of a muscular caped figure floating in midair, his body language giving off an air of noble defiance.

Slowly, he drifted down to earth, the details of his costume coming into greater clarity. His outfit resembled that of a Greek warrior, with a gold chest plate and a simply designed helmet that seemed to be made of a polished bronze resting on the top of his head and leaving his face visible, with the elegant red-fur crest adorning it matching his long red cape. In one hand he held a small circular shield, and his tall laced sandals were adorned with small wings at the ankles.

He touched down softly, placing himself directly between her and the two terrified superheroes, with neither him nor Chainsaw Vigilante breaking their intense, fiery gaze with each other for even a moment as he crossed his arms against his chest and narrowed his eyes to an almost threatening squint.

"Chainsaw Vigilante…."

"…..Perseus"


End file.
